Hello, Hailey. Let me introduce myself.
My name is Kenny.
You may not remember me from when we went to high school together (because we didn't).
Nor did we meet up at a party at a mutual friend named Marty's, or eat hamburgers at Hardee's (also known as Carl's Jr.). Girl, but lemme tell ya, soon you're gonna know why a complete and total stranger's gonna sing you a song.

Hello Hailey, how ya been doin' lately?
I wouldn't know, whoah oh oh oh
Cause I don't know who the heck you are
Hello Hailey, Travis told me to write you
So I wrote you a song
I'm really sorry, I got kind of distracted
And it turned out a little long

Yes, I admit this is a little weird, but not as much as pencil beards or monkey pants or maybe a giraffe having a baby, or if Ronald Reagan came back from the dead and started terrorizing every single pencil bearded monkey baby
Here's my number, call me maybe we could start a band and we could go across the land and find the total jerk who somehow managed to assemble all the bits and pieces that are necessary to build a machine that can reincarnate a president
And tell him that if he would kindly stop then all the pencil bearded monkey babies really would appreciate it cause they're having difficulty coping with the fact that there's a zombie Reagan terrorizing every single one of them
And then he would relate to us the agonizing history of how he got to terms with all his convoluted relatives about the fact that he doesn't fit in with them cause he became obsessed with bringing people back to life and has a thing for Ronald Reagan
Then we'd get so freakin' bored that we'd just tell him 'see ya later' then we'd go up to Decatur, but without a navigator, so we end up in St. Louis (by the way, I'm from St. Louis), then we'd find out Ronald Reagan has been spotted in the area
So we decide to take out all our battle gear and laser guns and rocket boots and Gatorade and when we get to town we'd find out Ronald Reagan found the Secret Power Box and turned himself into a giant robot seven stories tall with twenty-seven arms
And now he's headed to the Mississippi River and destroying everything along the way and so we head in that direction to engage in epic battle, then we realize we haven't had a thing to eat in twenty-seven days
And that you've never had Panera, so I take you to Panera (and I pay cause I'm a gentleman) and when we're done we go back to the Mississippi River and we find the giant Reagan then we start the epic battle and it takes a little while
Cause the giant Reagan's really freaking powerful and we run out of laser ammo so we throw the guns away and take our Secret Power Rings and do an Epic Knuckle Bump with lots of shiny lights and a guitar comes out of nowhere and you grab a microphone
And we begin to play a song and then the awesomeness creates a shift in gravity directly in the area surrounding Ronald Reagan and he gets obliterated at the perfect moment when we're getting finished with the song

Hello Hailey, how ya been doin' lately?
I wouldn't know, whoah oh oh oh
Cause I don't know who the heck you are
Hello Hailey, Travis told me to write you
So I wrote you a song
I'm really sorry, I got kind of distracted
And it turned out a little long

[scatting]
mexican pita
[scatting]